Lifeline

Have you ever met someone who you just ‘zing’ with?

Someone who does these stupid things just to make you feel happy?

A person whose existence you are thankful for every single day of your life.

Well, if you have met someone like this, then you know how heart wrenching it is to lose them. The one who is no less than a nucleus keeping the atom of your life intact, but once they go, they take life as you know it along with them. Losing a lifeline isn’t easy right? What do you do afterwards? How do you overcome the big, massive void that your life has become? How do you pull yourself out of the emptiness created with their departure? You can’t. It’s just not humanly possible. Unless you meet a terrible accident and lose your memory too!

Life goes on, that’s true. But you are never the same. That poor heart of your still pumps and beats but you feel a pang, an aching with every breath you take. Can you imagine life becoming a living hell for you? When every new day is a constant struggle for you; a futile yet tedious effort of acting normal, of pretending to be ‘just fine’. Because you actually cannot talk to anyone about the loss you endured or the chaos that it has left you in. It’s just sheer pain and agony and you.

It shouldn’t have to be like this, right? Life’s not ideal or utterly perfect I know, but does it have to be entirely opposite; that is, totally miserable? So that you are left sulking and suffering to roam the earth like dead? No, it should definitely not be like this. I refuse to live in a world like this that offers no empathy or compassion. I refuse to be dragged down a pit of loneliness that engulfs my soul and unleashes cruel monsters on my heart. I refuse to be abandoned. I refuse to be unloved. I refuse.

Ramblings of a Recently Married Daughter

Dear Maa,

I hope you’re doing well. I know you keep telling me that you miss me, and believe me, I do too, with all my heart. It’s not easy calling an alien space your home, and certainly not a piece of cake when you’re pressurized to conform to the societal norms that have been existing since ages. The moral and cultural values that I must follow to adapt to the role of a ‘good daughter’ who doesn’t say a word of the hardships that she faces. Because why not? Because ‘every girl does it’. So, I must too.

I am sorry to confess that I learnt to lie a long time ago. There is no question about you recognizing the truth in my innocent eyes, but with the passage of time, I learnt to cloak them from your concerned gaze. At this stage, I have turned into a hypocrite and a liar. I don’t tell you what I feel, I lie. I tell you the exact opposite of what I go through each day, I lie. I don’t intend to hurt you in any way, so the frown on my forehead is creased into a smile on my lips each time I see you. Because in the end, it was your happiness that I desired, your satisfaction that matters. Because I want to be a daughter who made her parents proud, no matter what the cost was. Because I love you and I owe it to you.

Maa, you made a mistake. You made a mistake raising me up like a princess, who had the world clenched in her little fist. You were wrong to transform me into an educated, independent woman, because no matter what they say, the world around us is still devoted to patriarchy and male dominance. They like their women to be beautiful and stupid; smartness in the delicate sex is not a trait to be appreciated. So now, I’m learning to become stupid, so that I don’t ask too many questions, raise my voice against any unjust behaviour, never dare to make my own decisions, and learn my place as a mere homemaker and comforter.

The men around me feel threatened due to my strong opinions and personality. They are used to of seeing women as the ‘delicate sex’ who is submissive and blindly follows the Alpha male into the path of life. I am to clothe myself with quietness if anything happens against my will or displeases me. I am to feel more at home in the new house, since this is my real home and this is what everyone keeps slipping down my throat. The moment I bring up a topic for discussion with my better half, I will be handed down a list of ‘code of conduct’ that is to be followed at all times because ‘this is how the things work in this household’. I am to conform without judgement or posing questions.

Maa, I hope you understand what I am going through because I am sure this what you must have also gone through back in the day. However, it is quite sad that even with the passage of so many years, as a society we have not evolved., although change is supposed to be a good thing, the mere thought of changing our mind set somehow shakes the foundations of our core beliefs. I just wish that the world which I bring my daughter to, is a different one from this. I hope she opens her eyes in a place where she can be herself without offending anyone’s so called masculinity and opinions. I hope she can be ‘happily’ married.

Love,

Your Obedient Daughter.

Life As I Know It

Yesterday, I didn’t care. Yesterday, the whole world could fit into my palm and stars sparkled in my eyes. It seemed I was the nucleus around which the whole universe orbited. I was everything. This is how you feel when you are content and happy. Everything makes sense; all the pieces of the puzzle of life fit into the right places. Like a Bollywood movie’s romantic scene, cold breeze starts blowing, birds start chirping and there’s a magical ecstasy all around you. This is how it was yesterday, when I held my head high and met the Outside with a challenging gaze and walked the Ground with galloping gait. All the happenings were mysteriously aligned with my accord; nothing could happen to disrupt the peaceful harmony of my mind and soul. It was almost as if I had finally reached a mystical balance in my life whose equilibrium could now never be disturbed. Well, almost.

Today, it’s all chaos and ruins. I lament my choices and existence and cast a dubious eye on all the euphoric ideas of Love, Happiness and Mysticism. Not that it matters anyway. The Outside does not hold me worthy enough to pay heed to my opinions or to even entitle me to have one. The world with which I believed to have a profound connection is now merely a majestic display of disrupted thoughts and utmost conflict. I, who took pride in soaring high into clear blue skies, now find myself curled back into the misty, foggy den of despair and resentment. All the Light that guided me toward The Path now seems like a mere illusion as I find myself circling and wandering in the maze of Life. The unending labyrinth of anguish and misery has engulfed and embraced me a like a child who was lost from his dear ones long ago.

If it is what I was destined for, why do I not find peace? Why do I not establish a connection with this chaotic madness?

Deep down, in the darkest, deepest corners of my desolate Heart, I refuse to believe this is my Destiny.

New Beginnings

Should I even waste one more word on you?

I shouldn’t, but there are countless things that I shouldn’t be doing and yet I do them anyway. Why do we do certain things? Merely because they mean something to us, we want to prove some point to others or to ourselves, they acquire a priority in our task list. Bringing that mere satisfaction to that damned heart- oh only if we could be born heartless and reckless!

I have lost all respect for words ‘hope’ and ‘promises’ and ‘love’ for they are all built on false pretences. Love, the greatest of all cons, traps you into nothing less than a bargain; the other party is always expecting you to deliver something to them- time, affection, money or even your soul. Promises and hope always go hand in hand with each other; letting you believe that it’s all going to remain good and end well for you, that you will find your ‘happily ever after’ one day. Guess what? Utopia only exists in your mind.

But isn’t that solace enough? In the end, a tiny, flimsy thread to hang on to someone’s memory. Diving into that utopian world and living that happily ever after that you never got. Playing all the scenarios exactly the way you wished them to happen, where you got to say goodbyes or may be didn’t even have the need for them after all. It would be nice to live in a place where every time someone asks you how you are, you don’t have to lie back by painting a smile on your lifeless lips.

This seems crazy; living in an illusion, but this is what silly little girls do when the warrior in them dies.

One Day at a Time

I feel. I feel a lot, and that has become my curse. I used to take pride in it but now it’s just a crushing burden that will (hopefully soon!) take me to my grave. It is not easy to possess a heart that is capable of absorb so much and yet it lets out so little. Honestly, there are moments, a lot of them, when I want to rip my heart out from my chest, just so that I can end it all. Eradicating the suffering is not a piece of cake; it takes your life to do that. It claims all your energies and the power of your insignificant being. The biggest irony of this game? You can never quit; you are stuck till your last breath, and even after you die, there’s no guarantee that you will find peace or salvation. Sounds fun, right?

The beauty of feelings and emotions is that they are abstract in nature; they cannot be defined or described precisely the way they are felt. This is the core reason why it is so easy for people to misunderstand us or to fall under the perception that it’s just nothing and we are ‘overthinking’ or ‘overreacting’. Since they themselves are residing in another dimension of emotional world, most probably the very superficial layer, so they try to project their own emotional gauges on us to prove one point: What we feel, is wrong. It is simply not possible or allowed. And you are just awed by their ignorance, by their mere brutality. How dare you tell me what to feel and what not to? How can you bottle up my senses into a teaspoon of emotional range? Clearly, we have reached a conflict of opinion. And at this point, I feel like bursting into flames or vanishing away from the surface of the world, only to put as much distance as possible between me and such ruthless creatures.

There are only some who understand the constant struggle and allow for my madness to be a part of normal ‘me’. Only a few people listen to me while everyone else is merely making use of their hearing aids and those few have taught me the secret of living: Live one day at a time. It is crazily simple, highly effective but awfully hard to practice and implement. I have been told to find love and happiness in the little moments. Though I will have to have my eye on the bigger picture, yet I need not be distracted by it and miss the magic of the present. And although I can’t seem to find any magic now, but I have to be a believer and trust in the power of miracles. Maybe, just maybe… I might witness one and my heart will turn from black to gold.

Let’s NOT be Dumb Anymore!

Growing up, I realized I had a passion for English and a zest for writing. My teachers appreciated me as I provided them with my creative writing tasks in school. That gave me a sense of satisfaction to know that I am good at something and dreamed of accomplishing something great in life with that. But it all came to naught when I was standing at the crossroads of choice of professional studies. I knew what I wanted to do, but somehow the familial pressure and social demands didn’t match that choice of mine. I was told, that you are a ‘silly, little girl’ who does not know the demands of the changing times and cannot take a decision as big as this simply by following your heart. Consequently, I ended up opting for Physics (yeah, seriously!) instead of my beloved English.

As anticipated, it proved to be a nightmare. Not for everyone else, but for me only. The reason was that I was least interested in all the black holes and gravity and mathematical equations proving their existence. It seemed a tedious job to digest all the stuff and reproduce it in the assessments. Although I was able to pass all my exams and obtained the degree with good grades, I was never truly happy. To know that you are unhappy and even knowing the reason behind that for four long years is not easy. But somehow, I survived and due to the constant efforts and unending motivation of a dear friend, I was able to change the course of my studies and finally landed into my desired field. Since then, it’s been a roller coaster ride!

The moral of this anecdote?

1. Always listen to your heart.
2. Don’t play dumb in your own game.

Listening to your heart sounds too cliché but the fact is that it is the key to your success. You are the writer of your own story; don’t let others dictate you what and what not to do. Nobody else knows and can know what you feel or what you go through. Your heart is programmed in a way to steer you towards your goals and desires, all you need to do is to take the time out to listen to its voice and believe its decision. Never let others define the way for you.

Not playing dumb in the above scenario would have meant that I weighed all the pros and cons, collected more information regarding my desired field of knowledge by researching or talking to the people already working in the field. But I didn’t. Instead, I simply listened to whatever others fed me, and jumped to a decision that I later regretted. A lot of us nowadays succumb to the external pressure in choice of our professional studies. That cousin of yours did that, you should as well. That neighbour got admitted there, you should as well. Instances like these should not be allowed to drive your life. Today, technology is serving at our fingertips. So, if you have listened to your heart and want to go for something particular, and unfortunately your family or well wishers don’t see eye to eye on your choice, then you simply need to do a little research. Show them the logical and practical value of your decision, because today, every profession has a market value. You just need to explore the dimensions more. So, get smart, and take the reins of your life and decisions in your own hands. Let’s prove to the world that the ‘silly, little girl’ is not so silly after all!

The Light No Longer Shines

Congratulations earthlings! Rejoice and celebrate for the system won again. The system successfully consumed the naïve notions and innocent sincerity. Bravo! You did it again as you have been doing it without fail since the beginning of time. Snatching away dreams and leaving behind hopeless souls dwelling the earth in despair is what you are expert in. Be merry, your mission has been accomplished yet again.

The Light no longer shines.

What have you done, you ask? Nothing that is punishable in any court of the whole wide world. But you are worse than a criminal. You are a killer of dreams and hopes and feelings and passion and love. Nothing to complain about you say? Our own choice you say? Yeah. As if a person who’s held under gunpoint has a choice. There’s no pressure on us, you say? Hah yeah, right! Creating a black hole and then expecting that there’s no pressure is evident enough of your brutal ignorance. You soft but consistent and emotional pushes urge and insist that the decisions made always be in accordance with your orthodox conventions. Enjoy the sweet taste of victory served upon corpses of wishes and fantasies.

The Light no longer shines.

The end of the world will witness the breed of slaves; dead-cold robotic slaves that know only how to bow and to serve and be ruled upon. For we, the dreamers-the fanatics will be made to perish and engulfed by the blind tyranny of the System.

The Light no longer shines.

A Piece of Me

She’s the kind of girl who’s not always at her best. She’s not always ladylike or elaborate in manners. On her worst days she loves to roam around the house with uncombed hair tied up in a messy bun for undefined period of time. She doesn’t bother putting on matching pairs of trousers and shirts and sometimes not even the slippers, oblivious of her feet getting dirty or her heels getting rough. She’s the kind who would immerse herself in her own world of seasons and music and movies and words and imagination. This doesn’t mean seclusion or isolation from the rest of the world; it means taking refuge in a dream world of her own. The Utopia where anything and everything is possible, where people are more understanding or maybe where there are no people at all! She’s the kind who gets high not on drugs but on the intoxication of her thoughts and dreams.

But that doesn’t surface in front of you. You see her as complete and beautiful, flawless and elegant. She’s composed and smooth; she doesn’t let the storm inside her ripple out in front of you and you think all is well.

A Man’s World

They say time heals everything. I say it doesn’t; it teaches you to become used to the wounds you got by the harsh blows of time. The bruises no longer pinch or hurt; they turn into scars buried deep inside your skin and you get accustomed to their presence.

They say for every successful relationship, compromise is the key element; I say set fire to compromise if you have to do that on the cost of your self-respect. It is easy to confuse self-respect with Ego; the latter consumes a good relationship like wild fire but you should conserve the former as a favour to your own self.

They say women’s job is to keep their men satisfied and children fed. I say, neigh, I ask who’s responsible for doing the same for the women? And apart from providing for our food, shelter and clothing, whose duty is it to cater to emotional and psychological needs? Why does it kill you to think women of being independent and career-oriented? We are tabooed as selfish and arrogant for thinking solely about ourselves if we go down a professional path whilst also taking care of familial lives.

They say women are brave and courageous and patient and tolerant and empathic and calm and composed. I say women are violent and spontaneous and instinctive and volatile and fragile and delicate.

They say women are emotional; I agree. But I ask you, what have you done so far to take care of that? They say it’s a Man’s world, and I agree, for the women of this world bear all the traits attributed to men  and carry out their daily chores like a strong, unyielding, fearless Man.

2017-2018

How times change. Sometimes you are wandering aloof; searching and longing for something, someone- just to reach at that one place in life, merely to feel the feeling attached to them. It seems like being stuck in a desert with harsh, hot winds circling around you throughout. How you desperately long and yearn and crave and wish and desire for them but in vain. There are moments that make you so weak, so frail that all you need is a gaze, a meaningful stare from them. It seems like that reassuring look will bring you back to the bliss of life. Life, at such crossroads, has moved beyond words and depending on merely those eyes.

But as merciless the life itself is, it makes sure it inflicts the same pain on us as well. It turns us into something we could never have even imagined becoming; a heartless, cold monster. Apart from that, life is also fond of having a laugh at our misery. So, it brings us what we previously could have died for; right at our doorstep, within our reach. And the irony is, we have changed. The pain changed us. It claimed from us the things we valued the most and bestowed upon us the evils that never belonged to us. But this is how it is. This is how unfair life is and you are supposed to make through it with a smile pinned to your face.

People all around us are actors; they pose to be something or someone they are not, without realizing that not everyone is an impostor like them. They exploit us in every sense of the word; leaving nothing but lifelong scars and haunting memories. And you are changed, in a way that even you don’t like. From an extrovert you turn into an introvert; crawling back into a shell of yours that you wouldn’t allow anyone to penetrate and ceasing to share anything and everything agonizing you. It’s better to live in a Utopia where everything you want or wish is easily possible, rather than this cruel, bitter world where the creatures walking the earth are nothing but horrible monsters.